10 Steps To Being the Best Freshman You Can Be

Kayla Keith, SENIOR Contributor

[Editor’s Note: This piece makes use of a literary technique called SATIRE.  Please look it up before sending us angry comments or emails.  Thanks.]

OK freshmen, everyone is so glad you are here!  But how about a few tips to be even better?

Step 1: ALWAYS Naruto dash to your classes. You absolutely cannot be 1 millisecond late. If your arms aren’t flailing behind you as you run, you aren’t moving fast enough. You can perfect your form by carrying the largest backpack you can find, so you’ll be all hunched over already.

Step 2: In the mornings, it is better to YELL than just speak. Make sure everyone else around you is TOTALLY awake. This is crucial to making sure everyone is on top of their game at school.  Don’t bother with coffee, just eat some handfuls of straight sugar for breakfast so we can all share your joy at being here at 7:30AM.

Step 3: Speaking of healthy habits, standing in the middle of the hallway and telling your BFF how unbelievably “messed up” you got last weekend is a critical part of making sure that hot senior passing by thinks you’re “lit.”

Step 4: At football games, make sure you and your friends coordinate your outfits and spend most of your time taking selfies. Who cares if you missed the majority of the game, and don’t even know who won? Pics or it didn’t happen, right?

Step 5: If you’re sitting in the student section, get as close to the front as possible. Ideally right in front of everyone and if a senior asks you to move, make sure to tell them “first come, first serve.” [sic] Seniors will absolutely respect your fearlessness and let you have that spot, no questions asked.

Step 6: In gym class, you need to assert your athletic abilities. If you don’t SPRINT the three minute warm-up jog, you’ll never make it into the Olympics. Trust me, I never did and sadly I’ll never stand a chance against Usain Bolt.

Step 7: When talking to teachers make sure you are as disrespectful as possible. All your friends will think you’re as cool as can be and all your peers will praise you. [Ed.: …and you’ll find out about detention!]

Step 8: Always walk in a human chain down the hallway. This is YOUR hallway and you need to let everyone know how cool you and your friends look today.

Step 9: Didn’t feel like showering in the morning or the night before? Showers and deodorant aren’t necessary. Just spray some cologne or perfume on yourself and you’ll smell like a dozen roses (or a dozen cans of <COUGH> Axe)!

Step 10: High School Musical was legit. You better start practicing your moves now, because at lunch time we go HARD. Don’t slack off and be that annoying freshman that just sits there and stares. LET’S! GET! IN! THE! GAME!

BONUS Step 11: If an upperclassman wants to hang out after midnight, go hang out with them!!! It’s probably because you have such an amazing personality.


As an opinion article, everything expressed above is attributed to the author only, and does not necessarily reflect the views of the entire Warrior Ink staff, their adviser, or the school district.